I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm grateful.

I'm sad.  We have spent the past year and a half in the country of Panama.  We have served primarily in Santiago and some in Chitre.  We will be leaving next week.  I'm sad, because I will no longer be an official "representative of Jesus Christ".  That has been such a great honor.  I love being a missionary.  I love sharing my testimony, my faith and my commitment.  I will miss being able to do that so much of every day.  We have worked about 10 hours every day as missionaries.  He has given us the health and strength to do so.  I will miss it.

I am sad that I have to say "good bye" or "until we meet again" to people that are very dear to me.  Recently a dear friend shared a scripture that captures part of my feelings.  It is found in 1 Thessalonians 2:8

So being affectionately desirous of you, we were willing to have imparted unto you, not the gospel of God only, but also our own souls, because ye were dear unto us.

We have shared our souls with people I will love forever.  They are so dear to us. I say these words, but in my heart are people- names and faces that represent how much love I feel.

I am happy that I was able to serve this mission with the best companion there could be.  Mark has been a strength in so many ways.  He has served me as I've served as the mission nurse.  He knows and loves the scriptures and has been a great source of inspiration and knowledge.  Mark is the person that has made this possible.  He has always worked hard and saved so that this day could be possible.  Mark is faithful, strong, dedicated and full of missionary spirit.  He has carried many loads here to make mine lighter.  I am so grateful for him.

I'm happy that there are missionaries serving all around the world.  That these young people want to leave their families, friends, and studies to serve their Heavenly Father.

I'm happy their are so many faithful members around the world trying to build the kingdom where they are.  They work against prejudice, poverty, and traditions to draw closer to Heavenly Father and their Savior Jesus Christ.  I am so happy that I have met them and been a small part of their work here in Panama.

I am grateful for the willingness of the people here to open their homes to us.  They welcomed us and let us into their lives.  They let us challenge them.  They trusted us to become a part of their trials and struggles.  They are wonderful.  I am grateful for their love.  I am grateful for them to trust the messages that we brought from a loving Heavenly Father and try to live them.  I'm so grateful for their courage to obey and have hope in the blessings of our loving Heavenly Father.

I'm grateful that the Lord has seen fit to use me in this great work.  He has used my hands to bless, to soothe, to hug, and to lift.  He has used my voice to testify, to teach, to comfort, and to love. He has used my words- even though imperfect in Spanish to tell someone of his love, of his plan for their happiness, to tell of our Savior Jesus Christ.  I pray fervently that I have done well.  I pray that from my meager offering someone's load has been lightened, someone's faith has been strengthened, someone's doubts have been calmed.  I pray I have been a worthy servant.

More than anything else, I am so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ.  For his love, for his sacrifice, for restoring His church on the earth today.  I'm so grateful for the scriptures which lead me to Him.  Which lead me to my Heavenly Father.  The only path I want to follow leads to Him.

My religious transformation

I grew up in a religious home.  My parents weren't real devout as far as going to mass every Sunday but they were good people who were trying to do good to their neighbor.  They believed in God.  They di

d try to send us pretty regularly to church and I am so very grateful they did.  I learned prayers that I tried to repeat with as much feeling as I could.  I also learned, from my mother, that prayers could also be personal in that if someone was dying or sick you could pray and ask for them to get better.  There were times I remember talking with God.

I remember at about age 12 reading about this thing called "the Jesus movement" in Time magazine. I remember a young woman was quoted as she talked about her "relationship" with Jesus Christ.  This is what I had been looking for.  I wanted to know the Savior better.  I could tell that she "knew" the Savior.  I knew that I didn't and at the time, it caused me some sadness.  I kept that thought in the back of my mind for many years until I met Cheryl.  We were in the 9th grade.  I was new to school and she had arrived not long before me.  I felt she was a kindred spirit.

We ended up talking one day about faith.  I realized that she was also someone who "knew" the Savior.  I was really interested in talking to her and trying to figure out how I could come to really know Him too.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for putting Cheryl in my path.  She truly taught me how to pray, how to recognize the spirit, how to read and to appreciate the scriptures.  This was such an important step in my eventually coming to know Him even more.  I am so grateful for her.

I began reading the scriptures.  My prayers changed from recited set prayers to personal expressions of love and devotion to the Lord. As I read the scriptures I started changing inside from the old me to a new person trying to live the way the Lord would have me live.  It was a great time of awakening within me. I am still humbled to think that the Lord reached out to me to invite me to come unto Him.  I truly feel almost chosen.  I can see His hand in many things that led me to where I am today.  Who I am today, my life I have lived, the experiences I've had all hinge on this time in my life.  This is where things changed for me.

I had another friend, Alison at this time.  We became fast friends and we decided to read the Bible together.  During lunch we would discuss things that we read. This was during high school.  These were wonderful days of uplifting each other and of learning together.  Another major event for me.  During this time Alison met missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I had never heard of the Mormons.  They had teachings that were similar to my own and yet some were different.  I didn't know what to think of them.

Cheryl, my spiritual idol, said that they were bad and of Satan.  Wow.  I was surprised at her reaction but I trusted Cheryl.  I never talked against them to Alison but I was openly skeptical.  Over weeks and months I met members of the LDS church through Alison.  I came to know for myself that they were not "of Satan".  I was impressed with many people I met but still kept my distance.

I was sort of blowing in the wind at this time as far as a church was concerned.  I had separated myself from my family's church.  I just didn't get what I felt I needed there.  Cheryl suggested a Baptist Church and I enjoyed attending there.  There was no drive though to become Baptist.

One night an LDS friend I met through Alison invited me to go to her house and visit with the missionaries.  It's hard to explain in retrospect but something was driving me to go to her house that night.  When I was finally walking there I stopped and thought, "Oh no, those Mormons are going to all gang up on me and Alison's not here to temper them".  I was a little concerned so I started to pray.  "Please Lord, bless me to stand firm against these Mormons".  "Please be with me".  At some point in my prayers, they changed.  A thought worked it's way into my mind and my prayers, "What if this is the path I need to follow?"  I was a little surprised by the change in direction.  "Could the message be true?"  "Is this church where you want me?"  "Did Jesus Christ restore His church to the earth again?"

All of a sudden I needed to know the answers to these questions.  I felt driven to find out.  I had to know. My only desire has always been to follow the Lord.  If this was His path I wanted to know.  I wanted to do His will.

During our discussion that night, I felt the confirmation of the Holy Ghost to my heart, to my soul, to my mind... this is true.  Yes, I want you to learn all you can.  Yes, yes, yes.  I was baptized three weeks later.

There are no words to express how blessed I have been for finding the restored Church of Jesus Christ.  I am so very grateful for all those who were a part of my conversion and baptism.  Cheryl and Alison continue to be dear friends even today.  We are all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of LDS.  Yes, even Cheryl, who thought we were of Satan.

The Gift of Repentance

I used to think that repentance was about punishment.  That if you did wrong, you had to do a certain amount of good to make up for it.  So wrong...

As a missionary, and especially as a representative of Jesus Christ, I have seen the results of repentance.  I have invited people to repent.  I have seen the results of someone who accepts the invitation and those who don't.  The impact can last for generations.

What is repentance????  I love the quote above.  It implies there is a path to a "more glorious future".  Repentance takes us from a path leading to a not so glorious future to one that is.  I love this.  It represents a change.  A choice.  Repentance includes all of those.  We can choose a different path.  We can change.  

The LDS Guide to the scriptures states:

A change of mind and heart that brings a fresh attitude toward God, oneself, and life in general. Repentance implies that a person turns away from evil and turns his heart and will to God, submitting to God’s commandments and desires and forsaking sin. True repentance comes from a love for God and a sincere desire to obey His commandments. All accountable persons have sinned and must repent in order to progress toward salvation. Only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can our repentance become effective and accepted by God.

One of the hardest things for me to witness is someone who thinks they can't repent.  They think they're not worthy.  My heart hurts for them.  The burden they bear is great.  But it can be lightened.  As a representative of Jesus Christ we teach true repentance.  We teach that Satan is the voice that says we can't change, we can't repent.  Our Savior Jesus Christ invites.  He is pulling for us.  He can make the burden light.

  

Repentance is the process of transforming our life to one worthy of the Savior.  One that seeks His will.  To become like him.

I know Jesus Christ lives.  I know he atoned for our sins, our weaknesses, and our illnesses.  He knows us, He loves us.  He will clense us.  He will save us.

I'm grateful for the opportunity I have had to be a small instrument in His hands to bless the lives of the people here in Santiago, Panama.  I love them.  I pray for them.  I know that faith in Jesus Christ gives us hope for a more glorious future.  I know this with all my heart.

Please enjoy this video on Jesus Christ. It is one of my favorites.

My Miracles

I've written about this before but just being here, being healthy is the biggest miracle of my mission.  I did have a cold once and a cough that lasted a month.  Otherwise, I've been in great health.  The miracle is that 2 months before leaving for our mission I was diagnosed with Lymphoma.  It is my 4th cancer.  I have also had kidney, breast and thyroid cancer.  After a few parts of me have been taken out, going through chemo and a number of surgeries, I'm good.

I am 61 years old, a little overweight and in pretty good health.  What a miracle.  It's not only a miracle because I'm still here after 4 cancers but that through the trials of dealing with any illness, Heavenly Father has been with me.  He has strengthened me and he has lifted me in the midst of pain and desperation.  I am not capable of writing in words the ways that he has strengthened me.  I have truly come to know the Savior in a very real and personal way through these trials.  Any futile attempt would never rise to the level of what I have felt.  Words cannot describe the peace that comes from the Lord.  

He has given me a glorious body that, while it loves to grow cancer, has seen me through all my hopes and dreams.

Missionary miracles are wonderful too.  The miracle highlights for me are the day the 9 current and former branch presidents were at church the same day.  Over half of the men in this picture were either not coming to church or only once in a while.

We hadn't planned this day, it just happened.  Everything aligned so that they could all be there together.  I made copies of this picture for everyone and gave it to them framed.  They are proudly and lovingly displayed in their homes.

It's wonderful when you meet someone and you just feel at home with them.  You love them.  You can joke and talk with them.  I felt that way when I met Estelda.  I felt a connection with her.  She was one of the early members here in Santiago.  She had been away for a while but is now preparing for the temple.

So many dear friends who I also feel a connection to.  I love these dear sisters.

Raquel's mom.  She is the sweetest person with a great smile, just not for the camera.

Lastemilia, my visiting teaching companion.  She is so compassionate.  

Two beautiful friends.  Vanessa is so dear to me.  Julissa is such a great person.

So grateful Vanessa's family moved here a year before us.
What a great blessing she and they are to Santiago.

Ingrid.

I have to share Ingrid's story.  When I met Ingrid she was very sick.  She was even thinner than she is in this picture.  Lastemilia and I visited her many times.  She seemed to get worse each time we saw her.  That she is with us and doing so well is truly a miracle.  She started coming to church and had to be carried.  She wanted to come so much. Her sweet sister Lisdenia would bring her.  Slowly she gained strength and now she walks.  She is such a joy to have around.

Lisandra was one a felt an instant connection to.

Evelin is Raquel's daughter in law.  We have become dear friends.

Raquel is such a strength to her family.  Because of her we have been able to baptize 3 members of her family.  She is a compassionate beautiful daughter of God.

Katy.  Mom of the cutest baby and so much enthusiasm.

There are so many people who welcome us in their homes and then allow the spirit of the Lord to change their hearts.  To work in them.  It isn't easy.  It's hard work.  Especially if you have things in your life you need to change.  The miracle of the gospel of Jesus Christ is that we don't need to make the changes alone.  Jesus Christ is our advocate with the Father.  He loves us.  He will help us, strengthen us, guide us.  I'm so grateful for the miracles HE works in the lives of those I've met.

Avidel and Evelin.  He will be ordained to the Melchizedek priesthood this Sunday.

Digna is a miracle to me.  She is deaf and mute.  Well... she says some words.  I know a little bit of sign language.  I had a friend who lost her hearing almost 30 years ago and I and others learned some sign language.  Take that small amount of learning and then teach someone the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It's truly a miracle to see how much Digna understands and how much we actually taught her.  She truly has faith as a little child in regards to Heavenly Father.  

We had a make up day.  Digna joined in the fun.

Digna and her husband Elmer.

The year before we arrived, there were a few families who came, strengthened the branch and then left.  So grateful the Lord sent them here for a while.  We really needed them.

Some even stayed.

We have worked with a few couples in marriage counseling.  It is a miracle they're still together.  😅  Seriously.  I love Mark, he loves me.  We muddle through.  The biggest miracle working with marriages is that if you WANT to work things our you can.  It can be a bit painful.  The Polos who live in Chitre were one such couple.  The first time we went there Sayda said she was thinking of getting a divorce.  The daughter with pain and discouragement said that her family needed lots of help.  They are closer now than ever before.  They listened and heard each other.  They're working on things together.  The day we were able to go with them to the temple to witness their eternal marriage and see their daughters sealed to them for all eternity was a miracle and a great blessing.

My kids were able to meet Polos when they were here for Christmas.

The Hernandez were able to work through problems.  They were already separated when we met with them.  They are such a strength here. They have the best kids.

Nicole and Harley Dance team  Brother and Sister

I know God lives.  Jesus is the Christ the redeemer of the world.  He has saved me.  He has saved so many.  My greatest desire as a missionary is for His children to feel His love.  If I can be used by Him to do this,  it is a miracle.

Who knows, maybe as a blessing for our service our son Jared has found the love of his life.  That's a miracle right.  Finding that someone who loves us and will cherish us for all time and eternity.

Miracles are what happens in our soul when we let the Lord work His mighty change in us.

Miracles

I testify that our Father in Heaven is a God of miracles (Mormon 9:18-19). 

That's how our mission newsletter started this week.  Miracles.  What is a miracle?  I would define a miracle, as an intervention from Heavenly Father in earthly matters.  The Guide to the Scriptures says a miracle is "An extraordinary event caused by the power of God."

This is what was in the mission newsletter from President Current.  he shared 3 miracles from the last couple of weeks.  Here is the third...

Miracle #3: Last week, I sent Elder H and Elder R to visit an island in San Blas to ask for permission of the island leaders to place missionaries among their people. When they arrived, the Silahs were away fishing. The missionaries were told to wait at the house of the chief Silah. While waiting in his house they began teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ to his family. Meanwhile, the Silah was in the middle of the ocean in a canoe fishing when a butterfly flew up to him and landed on his hand. According to Kuna tradition, when a butterfly comes to you it means that God will be sending messengers to teach you something that will change your life. Realizing this, the Silah stopped fishing and hurried home. When he entered his house he found Elder H and Elder R teaching his family the gospel. He told them of his experience with the butterfly and said he knew they were true messengers sent from God. He said he would believe all their words and that he would make it possible for them to teach his people. This Silah turned out to be the chief Kasique of the entire comarca of Guna Yala or, in other words, all of the islands and villages of San Blas. How is that a butterfly found him in the middle of the ocean fishing at precisely the moment when two Mormon missionaries were in his house teaching his family about Jesus Christ? It is because our Father in Heaven is God of miracles. This is His work. This is His mission. Our vision of baptizing tens of thousands comes from Him.

The San Blas islands are off the Atlantic coast of Panama.  There are Kuna indians that inhabit the islands and have many traditions.  It is primitive.  Many of the missionaries live in open sided huts and sleep in hammocks.

I was so touched by this story.  I testify that our Heavenly Father is a God of miracles.  I have been blessed by miracles in my own life and I have seen God work miracles here in Panama.